Over the years I let my heart fall into disrepair, like an abandoned, dilapidated house. The type that people throw stones at, to break windows for sport. It was a place condemned, where my soul felt sorrow to reside. I dreamed of going back so I could fix, everything. I would have cleared out weeds […]
I feel like I’m wasting time.
As a Type A, highly motivated & efficient person, wasting time is one of my biggest pet peeves.
I mean, don’t even get me started about slow drivers and long lines. The tolerance level is very, very LOW.
Of course, those are but temporary situations where my impatience displays itself. It’s a whole other story when it comes to my spiritual life.
In the past couple months, I’ve completely surrendered my life and future plans to God like never before. And, as result, I’ve found the sweetest sense of freedom & reliance on my Lord and Savior.
But, the past couple weeks have shown to be a pretty quiet season. And the silence is deafening.
God has stirred in me an immense desire to be used by Him and to be instrumental in bringing people to know Jesus. And Praise God for that! I am a sinner & completely unworthy, but He still chooses me to know Him and do His work.
God has instilled dreams & hopes in me of how He will allow me to serve Him, but has then dropped (seemingly) silent.
I think that’s the hardest part. I KNOW that God plans to use me to do great things, but I don’t know WHEN.
So instead of basking in the waiting season & focusing on equipping myself in knowing Scripture and finding my identity in Christ, I have found myself impatient, unhappy, and frustrated.
I want to be used NOW. The amount of times I’ve approached God with an entitled and questioning demeanor the past couple weeks is more than I’d want to admit. But who am I, a beggar, unworthy to sit at Jesus’ feet, to be entitled in His presence?
Unfortunately, I’ve noticed that the waiting season is where Satan has been planting seeds of envy, doubt, and entitlement in my heart. He is trying to convince me that I am being unfairly treated, and that I DESERVE better.
As if I deserve ANYTHING from a perfect God.
But, my ever faithful God is gracious enough to remind me of what is true when the seeds of lies start to take root in my heart. He is worthy of all honor and praise.
Last night, in another time of frustration and impatience, I was talking to God & wrote these sentences in my journal:
“I have absolutely no clue what you’re doing in this season of my life. Why are you making me wait? All I want to do is serve You and do big things for Your Kingdom, but You aren’t showing up. You aren’t telling me where to go. Lord Jesus, please show me what you’re doing.”
And silence. I was pretty fed up at this point & went to check my instagram. Constructive right?
But as stupid as this sounds, God reminded me of what is true there. The first post I saw was a beautiful calligraphy drawing of the phrase:
No season is ever wasted.
An interesting way for God to speak, right? I actually laughed out loud when I saw it. You got me God. He definitely has a sense of humor.
Despite the frustration and impatience and waiting to be used by God, He is faithful to keep me right where I need to be. He is faithful to equip me. and He is faithful to use every season to its fullness.
So, I wait. But I do not wait in vain.
I am not wasting time. He holds me in the palm of His hand & must strengthen me in my relationship with Him and identity before I can move on to the next season of my life.
And that is enough right now.
Sometimes I have no idea where I am.
And no, I’m not talking directionally speaking, (though those who know me well know that this is quite often a position I find myself in), but in where God has me right now.
As a girl who thinks and thinks and thinks until her brain explodes, I ponder, worry, doubt, and dream all day long.
Dreaming about my future family, the kids I will get to love on being a teacher one day, where I will live and what I will do for the Kingdom during the time God gives me on this earth, seeing people come to know Jesus, living a fulfilled life, the one I love. Or once loved.
But, I don’t want to paint such a pleasant picture. Having a mind like mine will hurt you. It will leave you in despair over wrecked dreams and crushed future plans you once created. Plans and dreams someone made with you, or ones you fabricated in your most introspective moments.
Life can really knock the wind out of you sometimes. If you’re anything like me in the season of life I’m currently in, you’re laying face first on the ground wondering… where in the world am I? It seems like just a minute ago I was confidently walking on my two feet, seemingly happy, whole. But now I ache with pain from the blow I took, down for the count. I ask why.
You know the rest. Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? How come I wasn’t enough? Why does this pain cut me to the core of my being?
As the pain continues to rip my heart in two, I sit myself up. I clear the hair out of my face and tears from my eyes, bandage the cuts and gashes the pavement left me with. And I take a deep breath.
And that is where God reveals Himself to me in the most profound way. As I sit in my lowest point, He whispers,
“I love you”.
Three short words that carry the world within them. Three words that people toss around like a Frisbee on a summer night, without the blink of an eye. Three words that hold adoration, provision, sacrifice, and promise.
Three words that can break your heart when stripped away from you.
But my Lord and Savior meant exactly what He said. No contrary actions, no take-backs, no empty words.
Because… WORDS MATTER. At least, God’s words matter.
They are an ultimate source of truth, goodness, and mercy. They will never be taken from us. They allow us to know and abide deeply in a God who perfectly loves, pursues, and heals.
Words mean EVERYTHING. They should hold our most truthful thoughts and heartfelt love. But because we live in a fallen world, we let empty words, lies, self serving comments, and selfish statements pass through our lips much too often.
That is why, if nothing else in the midst of pain, I finally learned whose words hold the most meaning… my Heavenly Father’s. My God who speaks ultimate truth over our lives and delights in pursuing us, no matter how many times we turn away. My God who gave His Spirit to dwell inside me. My God who sent His perfect son Jesus to pay the penalty of His life for my every sin.
My God who is perfect love.
By His promises alone am I able to stand on my two feet again and run towards Him with reckless abandon. Only through His tender love and mercy that He wraps me in daily can I live and love passionately. In Christ alone my hope is found– He is my light, my strength, my song.
A few months ago, a friend introduced me to a song called “Build my Life” by the Housefires. When I first heard it, I listened to it approximately 137 times that night and had the words memorized right away because I loved it so much. OCD much?
But, the lyrics didn’t really soak in right away. Thankfully, their meaning took root in my heart and shook me to the core… eventually. It was a pretty delayed reaction if you ask me.
These words have transformed my view of my walk with God:
“I will build my life upon your love, it is a FIRM foundation; I will put my trust in You alone, and I will NOT BE SHAKEN.”
Wow. I hope I’m not the only one brought to my knees in humility on this one.
Learning to build my entire life, future plans, and self upon God’s promises has been the hugest turning point in my short, 18 years of life. God, in His everlasting love, has graciously guided me the past couple months by teaching me what it really looks like to build my life upon the love He has for me.
He is all I have, and all I need.
I’ll close with this.
“He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.” Psalm 40:2-3 (ESV)
In the midst of deep heartbreak and pain, the Lord gently set me back on my two feet and has been graciously teaching me how to live and find my worth in His promises in a new, profound way. It took God picking me up and whispering, “I love you” for me to realize that I know where I am.
I am EXACTLY where He wants me.