May.

May was a whirlwind.

In all honesty, I lost my bearings for pieces of it. In the moments of lost focus, of complacency, of “I’ll do it later”, I felt as if I was in bondage, but didn’t want to step into freedom quite yet. I knew I needed Him, but couldn’t muster myself to run to Him.

I let myself slip out of setting aside quality time to just BE with God on a few occasions, because there were just better offers. When I would feel the ache of my heart to seek my God, I was almost reluctant to do so. I guess that’s what happens when you put the distance there yourself.

Of course it came to a point where God was not having it any longer and reminded me of what His presence felt like in an instant, and I regretted every time I chose not to commune with Him that past week and a half. His presence was demanding, but gentle, and brought me close as ever before.

There have been moments in my time pursuing Jesus where I would be frustrated when I didn’t hear or feel Him, and I would ask, “why didn’t you show up?” In that moment this month where God’s presence took over with the switch of a light, I realized my better thought should be, “what if He never left?”

All of this to say, He is not far from any one of us. I know that is generally common knowledge amongst believers, but I think it is something to remind ourselves of when we do feel that “distance” from our Savior. He is here, unchanging, and powerful. It’s unreal how easy we forget that.

May might have been different than I expected, and my time with God wasn’t as per usual, but I might even venture to say that that is okay. I could be totally off base. But hear me out.

When I am not learning new things or taking huge leaps and bounds of growth in my faith, I tend to feel disappointed, like a failure. I know this is a lie from the enemy because it is not about my performance, but His free gift of grace, but my flesh does attempt to convince me otherwise at times.

But, because I was not consistent this month like I would’ve liked to be, it put my humanity in perspective, and furthered my need for Jesus to redeem my wandering heart.

In these moments of weakness and dealing with my complacency, I had to cling even harder to what is true; what I know deep in my soul about God and His character after years of growth and getting to know Him.

Walking through periods of life without pursuing God and calling on His presence daily is not something we should seek to do by any means, but God still shows up to redeem us there; sometimes in just solidifying what we ALREADY KNOW about who we are as sons and daughters of God.

A staying faith is one that stands the test of time, is strengthened in the storms life brings its way, and clings to what is true. I’ve realized that staying faith, however, will not look the same in every season, or even every day… and that’s okay.

Circumstances change, people come and go, seasons shift, but at the center of it all, Jesus remains.

With every passing season of life, expected, cherished, or not, my Jesus stands alone as my rock and my redeemer, and I will pursue Him with all I have. He will chase me down when I try to put anything else before Him, and He will be my greatest comforter for all my days. Thank you Jesus for weaving and holding my faith… it will last forever because of your power and great love for me, and that alone.

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