April.

I’m pretty good at making decisions. I don’t usually change my mind, or find myself indecisive. I love the security of making a decision which I know is “right”. But, life isn’t always so black and white, right? That’s sort of my life right now. A lot of gray. In actuality, these past couple weeks have felt nothing like consistency, what I would typically prefer. More like confusion. My mind has been scattered, and my heart every which way. It’s been beautiful, but scary at the same time. This has not been the “normal” I’ve had the past couple years. I’m faced with a lot of uncertainty and decisions to come in the near future.

I’m scared, if I’m being honest. But something I’ve had to remind myself, in being called into abundant life with Jesus, is that fear is CANCELLED in Him. There is no room for worrisome thoughts or doubts in Jesus’ name. That is what I’m banking on right now.

Reading back on some of my prayers this month, something I found interesting is how I told God the phrase,

“I wanted this to be easy”

on multiple occasions. I was happy with my Plan B I’d created in my mind. I was living in surrender, yet still erecting my little idol, planning my future, without fully realizing it. Needless to say, my Plan B has potentially fallen through. I’m not shocked at this point. God has made that pretty clear.

Living in surrender is a daily choice. I may be confused, or nervous about what’s next, but I will not run from abundant life in Christ to avoid the hard things. My chaplain at my college referred to a John Calvin quote in chapel the other day, and it spoke volumes into my life at the present moment.

“God saved us IN the fire, not FROM the fire”.

Rather than sit in the fear and solitude that Satan uses to restrain me, I will choose to re-surrender control every day, again and again. I will not give in to festering fears, of my present and my future. I will choose to allow hard things to happen. Life with Jesus is much too beautiful to not experience it in its fullness.

Risk sucks sometimes. But it is sensational. It doesn’t disappoint, in the end. God didn’t give us the chance to live a fulfilled life so we could sit alone and let Satan corner us there. He gave us Himself, the ultimate gift.

To me, risk is where God has asked for my heart, right now.

Coming from the anxiety ridden, type A planner, risk is not even CLOSE to natural for me. It is what I run away from. I cling to safety, always, if given the chance.

In this season, God has told me to jump. To risk. To put myself in a position where I could get hurt. To surrender control, again, of my little planned out life. So I will.

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