February.

Things sort of got real this month. Pieces were put together. Sin was recognized. What’s new?

Also: I’ve written about “Anything” by Jennie Allen like 18 times on here, but I’m going to do it again, and probably more times after this to come. It continues to wreck my life at all points, on a daily/ weekly basis. So naturally, it played a part in what I’ve been learning this month. Just a side note.

If I had to sum up February in a few words, I would say, “fear in the in-between”.

While I have absolutely relished in the moments where God has clearly revealed my callings and purpose in this life, it doesn’t take long for my humanity to step into play. It has been not only encouraging, but life giving, to start to see the God of the universe make Himself markedly clear of His intent to use me to further His Kingdom. A big part of this especially in how He has basically let me know how He intends for me to use education and teaching in an urban setting as my particular mission field. I am so eager and ready to get there, sometimes. But, I am also completely petrified.

As I was looking through my journal before writing this, I came across a short prayer I had jot down that encapsulates this “in-between” well.

“Lord, I want to die tired. I want to love well. I want to herald your name in everything I do… even though it’s really scary. It’s so easy to forget the weight of truly picking up my cross to follow Jesus. It demands my reputation, my success, my comfort. My anything and everything. I’ve been praying this idea of “anything” for months now, but it’s getting too real right now. I’m petrified you’re actually going to do something with it”.

God WANTS all of us. That is clear. He has given us a desire to find purpose, to be a part of something bigger, to matter. It is undeniably written in the hardwiring of our hearts. But, sin lingers, like one of those under the skin bruises. It flares up and aches, stings from time to time. It isn’t always evident to the naked eye.

It lurks in the shadows to convince us that we don’t have anything going for us. That we don’t matter to God and His eternal purposes. That we have no business sacrificing ourselves COMPLETELY for the sake of others. That we aren’t ACTUALLY hearing from God; we’re just crazy. That it’s TOO HARD. That it isn’t worth it… our comfort should take precedent.

Fear forged by sin makes us forget. It causes us to shrivel away from really giving our all to the God who is calling us, by our names, for His greater good and purpose. How dare we think that this life is about us?

I realized more than ever this month that this life, this journey I’m on, is a war. I have to fight fear on the daily. I have to remind myself of the Gospel HOURLY, or else I easily fall into the lies of self-sufficiency and comfort. The lies that fear instigates.

I may grow weary, freak out and get scared when things change, be impatient in the waiting, or be hurt by my circumstances from time to time, but I refuse to forget why this war matters. Why my LIFE matters.

Fight hard. Set your eyes on the author and perfector of our faith again and again. He wants you.

 

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