May was a whirlwind.

In all honesty, I lost my bearings for pieces of it. In the moments of lost focus, of complacency, of “I’ll do it later”, I felt as if I was in bondage, but didn’t want to step into freedom quite yet. I knew I needed Him, but couldn’t muster myself to run to Him.

I let myself slip out of setting aside quality time to just BE with God on a few occasions, because there were just better offers. When I would feel the ache of my heart to seek my God, I was almost reluctant to do so. I guess that’s what happens when you put the distance there yourself.

Of course it came to a point where God was not having it any longer and reminded me of what His presence felt like in an instant, and I regretted every time I chose not to commune with Him that past week and a half. His presence was demanding, but gentle, and brought me close as ever before.

There have been moments in my time pursuing Jesus where I would be frustrated when I didn’t hear or feel Him, and I would ask, “why didn’t you show up?” In that moment this month where God’s presence took over with the switch of a light, I realized my better thought should be, “what if He never left?”

All of this to say, He is not far from any one of us. I know that is generally common knowledge amongst believers, but I think it is something to remind ourselves of when we do feel that “distance” from our Savior. He is here, unchanging, and powerful. It’s unreal how easy we forget that.

May might have been different than I expected, and my time with God wasn’t as per usual, but I might even venture to say that that is okay. I could be totally off base. But hear me out.

When I am not learning new things or taking huge leaps and bounds of growth in my faith, I tend to feel disappointed, like a failure. I know this is a lie from the enemy because it is not about my performance, but His free gift of grace, but my flesh does attempt to convince me otherwise at times.

But, because I was not consistent this month like I would’ve liked to be, it put my humanity in perspective, and furthered my need for Jesus to redeem my wandering heart.

In these moments of weakness and dealing with my complacency, I had to cling even harder to what is true; what I know deep in my soul about God and His character after years of growth and getting to know Him.

Walking through periods of life without pursuing God and calling on His presence daily is not something we should seek to do by any means, but God still shows up to redeem us there; sometimes in just solidifying what we ALREADY KNOW about who we are as sons and daughters of God.

A staying faith is one that stands the test of time, is strengthened in the storms life brings its way, and clings to what is true. I’ve realized that staying faith, however, will not look the same in every season, or even every day… and that’s okay.

Circumstances change, people come and go, seasons shift, but at the center of it all, Jesus remains.

With every passing season of life, expected, cherished, or not, my Jesus stands alone as my rock and my redeemer, and I will pursue Him with all I have. He will chase me down when I try to put anything else before Him, and He will be my greatest comforter for all my days. Thank you Jesus for weaving and holding my faith… it will last forever because of your power and great love for me, and that alone.


I’m pretty good at making decisions. I don’t usually change my mind, or find myself indecisive. I love the security of making a decision which I know is “right”. But, life isn’t always so black and white, right? That’s sort of my life right now. A lot of gray. In actuality, these past couple weeks have felt nothing like consistency, what I would typically prefer. More like confusion. My mind has been scattered, and my heart every which way. It’s been beautiful, but scary at the same time. This has not been the “normal” I’ve had the past couple years. I’m faced with a lot of uncertainty and decisions to come in the near future.

I’m scared, if I’m being honest. But something I’ve had to remind myself, in being called into abundant life with Jesus, is that fear is CANCELLED in Him. There is no room for worrisome thoughts or doubts in Jesus’ name. That is what I’m banking on right now.

Reading back on some of my prayers this month, something I found interesting is how I told God the phrase,

“I wanted this to be easy”

on multiple occasions. I was happy with my Plan B I’d created in my mind. I was living in surrender, yet still erecting my little idol, planning my future, without fully realizing it. Needless to say, my Plan B has potentially fallen through. I’m not shocked at this point. God has made that pretty clear.

Living in surrender is a daily choice. I may be confused, or nervous about what’s next, but I will not run from abundant life in Christ to avoid the hard things. My chaplain at my college referred to a John Calvin quote in chapel the other day, and it spoke volumes into my life at the present moment.

“God saved us IN the fire, not FROM the fire”.

Rather than sit in the fear and solitude that Satan uses to restrain me, I will choose to re-surrender control every day, again and again. I will not give in to festering fears, of my present and my future. I will choose to allow hard things to happen. Life with Jesus is much too beautiful to not experience it in its fullness.

Risk sucks sometimes. But it is sensational. It doesn’t disappoint, in the end. God didn’t give us the chance to live a fulfilled life so we could sit alone and let Satan corner us there. He gave us Himself, the ultimate gift.

To me, risk is where God has asked for my heart, right now.

Coming from the anxiety ridden, type A planner, risk is not even CLOSE to natural for me. It is what I run away from. I cling to safety, always, if given the chance.

In this season, God has told me to jump. To risk. To put myself in a position where I could get hurt. To surrender control, again, of my little planned out life. So I will.


I’m tired.

I hate to start like this, but it’s true. I’m depleted of my typical energy in life, wisdom, and joy. March hasn’t been my month, honestly. As always, God has made it a point to smack me in the face with my sin (in love and gentleness, of course… that sounded a bit harsh my bad). But, thankfully, God has been restoring me the past week. Solidifying my new, God given revelations. Covering me over and over again by actively choosing me. So, I’m doing great.

God is doing His thing, as always, and I’m just going with it.

The main wake up call God gave me this month is the recognition of the underlying sin of my perfectionism.

Before I continue, I just want to point out that a lot of people (even myself in the past) have a misconception about perfectionism. It isn’t just getting assignments done in advance, keeping your room organized, or wanting things a certain way. No, it is much, much deeper than that. Perfectionism, at its core, is a rejection of the Gospel of Jesus. It is profoundly sinful. And, in all honesty, I never recognized it as such until this month. It wasn’t until God woke me up that I realized how greatly perfectionism absolutely plagues my soul on a day-to-day basis.

Even though I have gotten much better at the whole “self-care” thing, I’m still pretty far from successful in this area. As I even came back from spring break exhausted, I recognized something was really wrong. I was far from God. I was trying to operate based on my own strength and ability. I was running completely on fumes. I didn’t have much to give at all, honestly. I was so complacent with the Lord, my absolute best friend. It was devastating. I don’t know how to explain it but; I just couldn’t do it.

To skip forward a bit, God gave me some answers here, through His word, through prayer, and the wisdom of those around me. He doesn’t have an obligation to respond quickly to us, so this was a huge gift! These are some things I learned.

  1. God’s grace is not always pleasant. Because of Christ’s death on the cross for me, God’s anger for my sin was satisfied. But, discipline remains as an act of TRANSFORMATIONAL GRACE. God’s grace doesn’t always release us from something. His grace is meant to deeply root itself in our hearts and change us. Through my recognition of perfectionism, God has made it perfectly clear that he is using my sin struggle to bring me to a place of abundance. He is allowing me to sit here, in uncomfortable grace, for a reason.
  2. My perfectionism manifests itself as wanting to be everything for everyone, doing it all, saving the world. But, trying to do all this without my God is worthless. I have to get back to the basics and FIRST abide in Him, above all else. If I am not daily abiding in the Lord, nothing else will bear fruit in my life.
  3. My perfectionism; my sinful desire to perform (and outperform others), to overachieve, to have EVERYTHING going for me, is a DIRECT REJECTION OF THE GOSPEL. Plain and simple. When any thought that goes through my head begins with, “well, I NEED to ____”, I am choosing to people-please, to outdo, to earn. These things are not from God. If I claim Christ as my Savior and keeper of my life, I must give Him the credit where it’s due. Living out of my own strength will never satisfy or measure up to the free grace I’ve been given in Jesus.

So yeah, I’m tired. But I’m free. I’m getting there, slowly but surely. God does not neglect to finish what He begins. He’s never failed me yet. He has so much more to teach me through this battle with perfectionism. He’s only getting started.


Things sort of got real this month. Pieces were put together. Sin was recognized. What’s new?

Also: I’ve written about “Anything” by Jennie Allen like 18 times on here, but I’m going to do it again, and probably more times after this to come. It continues to wreck my life at all points, on a daily/ weekly basis. So naturally, it played a part in what I’ve been learning this month. Just a side note.

If I had to sum up February in a few words, I would say, “fear in the in-between”.

While I have absolutely relished in the moments where God has clearly revealed my callings and purpose in this life, it doesn’t take long for my humanity to step into play. It has been not only encouraging, but life giving, to start to see the God of the universe make Himself markedly clear of His intent to use me to further His Kingdom. A big part of this especially in how He has basically let me know how He intends for me to use education and teaching in an urban setting as my particular mission field. I am so eager and ready to get there, sometimes. But, I am also completely petrified.

As I was looking through my journal before writing this, I came across a short prayer I had jot down that encapsulates this “in-between” well.

“Lord, I want to die tired. I want to love well. I want to herald your name in everything I do… even though it’s really scary. It’s so easy to forget the weight of truly picking up my cross to follow Jesus. It demands my reputation, my success, my comfort. My anything and everything. I’ve been praying this idea of “anything” for months now, but it’s getting too real right now. I’m petrified you’re actually going to do something with it”.

God WANTS all of us. That is clear. He has given us a desire to find purpose, to be a part of something bigger, to matter. It is undeniably written in the hardwiring of our hearts. But, sin lingers, like one of those under the skin bruises. It flares up and aches, stings from time to time. It isn’t always evident to the naked eye.

It lurks in the shadows to convince us that we don’t have anything going for us. That we don’t matter to God and His eternal purposes. That we have no business sacrificing ourselves COMPLETELY for the sake of others. That we aren’t ACTUALLY hearing from God; we’re just crazy. That it’s TOO HARD. That it isn’t worth it… our comfort should take precedent.

Fear forged by sin makes us forget. It causes us to shrivel away from really giving our all to the God who is calling us, by our names, for His greater good and purpose. How dare we think that this life is about us?

I realized more than ever this month that this life, this journey I’m on, is a war. I have to fight fear on the daily. I have to remind myself of the Gospel HOURLY, or else I easily fall into the lies of self-sufficiency and comfort. The lies that fear instigates.

I may grow weary, freak out and get scared when things change, be impatient in the waiting, or be hurt by my circumstances from time to time, but I refuse to forget why this war matters. Why my LIFE matters.

Fight hard. Set your eyes on the author and perfector of our faith again and again. He wants you.



A quick side note: God put it on my heart to write a little bit about what He taught me each month of this year. So, you’ll be seeing something like this every month, and hopefully other posts in between 🙂

January. Wow. I’m still in awe of how mightily God moved this month. Briefly, I started January still home for Christmas break, came back to school for second semester, and braved through the frigid temperatures. I’m trying not to think of the rough weather to come. I’ve also been really excited as I anticipated the new semester and year. Living life, anticipating growth, and embracing change is so sweet with my Heavenly Father.

I could probably write a small novel recounting the depth of everything I learned, saw, and experienced the past 31 days, but that’s just not realistic considering I have approximately 7 hours of homework ahead of me tonight. Lol.


God spoke into this area of my life last November/ December, and had let me know that prayer was going to largely transform my walk with Him, and my life in relation to other people in 2018. I’ve been completely in awe in how faithfully God has moved in this… and it’s only been 31 days! When I had already decided that 2018 was going to be a year marked by prayer in my life, my home church and the church I attend when I’m at college both started off focusing heavily on prayer. In fact, my home church declared that 2018 is going to our “The Year of Prayer.” It’s clearly a God thing. Like seriously!? God has been using the messages on prayer I’ve been hearing to help me seriously change the way I view prayer and how I actually pray on a day-to-day basis. For one, God has shown me first hand how prayer is not just talking to Him, but practicing His presence. As I’ve started to carve out time to listen, God has spoken loudly and demanded my obedience, in which He has allowed me to speak and do things completely led by the Spirit.

I’ve never experienced such friendship and connection with God as I have when I decided to pray consistently, boldly, and persistently in order to KNOW GOD and be TRANSFORMED in His image.

When I have committed to pray and lay before the feet of God multiple times a day, being persistent in asking Him to call me higher and to use me as His mouthpiece, He has not once left me there. Through praying in this way, God has graciously allowed prayer to start becoming my default reaction whenever I have a quiet moment, or even when I am in the presence of others. It’s seriously amazing living life so enamored and loved by the creator of the world. It’s beautiful to just sit in that.


Another big part of my month was God revealing certain sin in my life by putting me in enough circumstances to finally beat it into my stupid head and sinful heart. Specifically, coming to terms with deeply rooted issues of jealousy and comparison that I genuinely never realized I had. Let me just tell you straight up, this has been one of the hardest pills to swallow I’ve ever been forced to face. All the past 19 years of my life kind of hit me all at once, and things started to make sense.

While God has bestowed so many unique gifts, qualities, and callings on my life, I have really struggled to realize how deeply I reject God in how I pine after the relationships or qualities of other people.

In the midst of this, God reminded me of 2nd Corinthians 12, where Paul describes a thorn of the flesh that he asked God to take away from him three times, yet God allowed to stay pierced. In response, God told Paul, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.”

In other words, God allows us to continually struggle in certain sins by means of drawing us to Him in humility and desperation. If we were not plagued by sin, we would have no need to rely on the Lord for every ounce of strength in our beings. In this fight against jealousy and comparison, God has shown me that this is one of my thorns. But, I will fight it proudly and with everything I have if God is most glorified, and I am most found in Him.


In the midst of dealing with my thorns, interpersonal situations, and this lingering season of waiting I’ve been going through for a long while, God put it on my heart to live with resilience. It is a word I have chosen to define how I live my life. A lot of circumstances I’ve had to deal with/ process through this month have been full of anguish, hurt, and difficulty, if I’m being quite honest.

Two weeks ago, God spoke to me through a memory of a book I remember reading at the library when I was 5 years old. I didn’t remember the title, but I remembered the recurring phrase, “we can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, so we have to go through it” that it said on every page as the children in the story experienced going through different things on their adventure trek, like the sticky mud, deep rivers, and eerie forest. God hasn’t spoken so directly to me through a memory before, so I was awestruck.

As much as I’ve wanted to just “be done” with some of my particular circumstances, I’ve realized there is no real escaping. God called me to rely on Him with all I had, and He promised to completely hold me through it. If I want to make it to the other side, I have to actually go through it.

There is immense beauty in going through the struggle with the God who never leaves us, and promises to keep a hedge of protection around us always. As Jennie Allen says it in her book titled “Anything”, we have to JUMP, or CRAWL DOWN. So, we might as well jump with conviction, resilience, and God’s promise, rather than crawl down in fear, apart from the fullness of God and what He has for us to experience in this life.



Wow. I almost have no idea where to really start with this.

2017 marks the year where I experienced the most painful heartbreak, confusion, fight for my self-worth, trial after trial, and, worst of all, feeling angry at God because of my circumstances for the first time in my life. Yet simultaneously, 2017 has been singlehandedly the most beautiful, thought-provoking, and distinguishable year of spiritual growth in my entire life. In retrospect, it is hard to even describe or make sense of how those two paradoxical realities make up my 2017. But they do. God is like that. Beauty in ashes, hope in the valleys, freedom found in surrender.

I just wanted a few things I learned, remembered again, or experienced.

  1. Our faith in Jesus DEMANDS a response from us. But; it doesn’t demand any old response. It demands our fully surrendered hearts, our lives, anything and everything we have. It demands our obedience. It demands us to make a conscious choice to choose Jesus every day of our lives. It demands our lives sold out for the Kingdom in whatever way God sees fit.
  2. God doesn’t mess around with this sanctifying thing. I’ve always freely admitted that I am not “a patient person”; I even allowed it to become a part of who I am. I didn’t think it would really change. As I’m sure you expect, I was wrong about that. God has closed enough doors, waited to answer, or said “not yet” enough times for me to realize that He isn’t giving me a say in the matter. I don’t get to abstain from developing certain fruits of the spirit over others. He will sanctify and re-mold this sinful heart, hell or high water.
  3. Self care isn’t a cover-up for selfishness. It is vital and life giving; so that we have the capacity to love others well.
  4. I have a lot of learning to do; especially in how I have previously been close-minded and ignorant in some areas of racial inequality and injustice. I’m still not fully there yet, either. But, God has been faithful to put people in my life to encourage me to wake up and bear one another’s burdens as Christ bears mine.
  5. I have experienced the incredible power found in calling on the name of Jesus through prayer. The God I serve is mightier than I often give Him credit for. This year is the first time where I prayed prayers, EXPECTING AND KNOWING that God WILL ANSWER, and do AWESOME THINGS.
  6. God revealed a lot of my own sin to me this year, and it rocked my world in a good way. Rather than feeling a crushing weight, God made it so His glory and goodness shone through every moment with Him. The more I saw my own sin for what it is, the more I could give God the proper adoration for the undeserving grace that Jesus gave me. I never want it to end.
  7. He wants my obedience. To “stay in my lane”, so to speak. To sprint after Him. So, I will. Complacency and half in, half out behavior has ruled too much of my life thus far.
  8. Surrender isn’t a one-time thing. It requires us to go again, and again, and again. Sometimes multiple times a day. But, it’s more than worth it.
  9. Joy truly is a choice. I have enough people in my life who shown me this truth in action that I can speak it with full confidence.
  10. “Better is one day in (His) courts than one thousand elsewhere”—Psalm 84:10.

The list could go on and on here. But, I chose to stop it at 10 because everything I mentioned radically impacted my life this year, and 10 is also a pretty, nice, even number.

I have no other words, except that God is the most faithful and the most good. There is no one like Him. Here’s to another incredible year, 2018.





Two nights ago, I laid flat on my face before the Lord. Literally and figuratively. I wept as I reflected on God’s unconditional grace for me, and how I don’t even deserve the tiniest morsel of it. But, He chooses me anyway. I re-surrendered control of everything to Him, as I suspect I will have to do many many more times in this life. It’s easy to attempt to take it back. I distinctly remember Him speaking into my desires during our conversation. He said,

“What if you could have nothing else but me? What if you’re deepest aspirations and hopes fell apart? What if your greatest fears became reality? Am I enough for you?”

I realized something in that moment. For a lot of my life, the answer would have been no. Jesus has rarely ever just been ENOUGH for me. My flesh and heart have failed me, but I have still allowed them to dictate my desires. Since I’ve earnestly and daily started to assess my heart, God has faithfully put the weight of my fear on front display. For the sake of authenticity, I feel like I should share my fears, and hopefully they will resonate with you.

When I am truly honest, my biggest fear is not being loved. Being discarded by the people I care about most. Not being of use to people. I am terrified of ending up alone, and not BEING ENOUGH for those around me. I am hypercritical of myself, thus leading to my fear of failure and not accomplishing things well in my purpose-driven life. I feel this pressure to succeed, clearly spurred on by my sinful flesh and desire to be known, loved, praised, and decorated. But, this weighty burden I feel is NOT from God. This unquenchable desire to achieve is built based on my own strength and failing flesh. This is a mindset I easily revert back to, but it plain and simple does not define who I am. It is vital to practice remembering this.

  • My identity is not dependent on my successes and failures; it is wholly dependent on Jesus’ blood spilled for me.
  • My identity is not lessened or changed when I grasp control back from God; it remains and strengthens each time God calls me back to Himself.
  • God’s love for me does not lessen when I covet affection from anyone else other than Him, because His love for me will never fail.
  • My fears are not my defining qualities. They do not make me any more or less worthy of grace than anyone else.

When I take a long, hard look in the mirror at my deepest fears and their underlying motivations, I see sin infiltrating GOOD THINGS. The desire for companionship in its roots is GOOD. The passion to succeed and do great work for the Kingdom is GOOD. But, sin steps in to the areas that God can be most glorified in, and distorts them instead. Truth be told, I see my fears becoming destructive if left unchecked.

Thankfully, that doesn’t have to be the case, because God decidedly said NO to fear ruling my life and overtaking my thoughts. He told me so. He didn’t just say no to me, but He offers all of us that same freedom from fear.

Maybe these two seemingly separate things I discussed here don’t seem to connect (my fears and God’s question a few nights ago), but they do.

God asked whether or not He is enough for me, and typically my answer would have been no BECAUSE OF my fears.

What if He really ISN’T enough? I need a husband to be happy in my future; I need career success to be fulfilled; I will never be truly content if others regularly reject me.

But this time was different. I know He’s been softening my heart in this area for a LONG TIME, but some of the pieces just started to come together once I allowed myself to be honest about my fears.

So, when He asked, I could say “yes” with complete confidence.

He is MORE THAN ENOUGH. He is the only true and safe place in my life. He is the only one in which I feel entirely content and filled. He is the only one who CONSTANTLY and WHOLEHEARTEDLY loves, chooses, and pursues me. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in this world, even if that choice leaves me with nothing except Him. He is the most worthy and the most good.

 I know that because of my flesh, I will try to re-grasp control and do anything to ensure my fears don’t become reality, but I also know that God will not allow me to stay running and striving for long. I will go back again and again and again because I simply cannot resist Him. I see this as the best gift in my life. Thank you, Father.


self love isn’t selfish.

If I’m being honest here: whenever i hear the term self love, there’s always this inevitable stigma that pops in my head; equating self love with selfishness, self centeredness, or an “i love myself much more than i should” mentality.

The past couple weeks of my life have been a testament to the fact that self love is essential to be able to love others well.

It’s amazing getting the privilege of having an abundance of people in my life that i get to pour into daily & have them encourage me the same. my past couple months have been intentional and absolutely beautiful. the relationships i’ve been allowed to delve into are insanely God honoring. God has been so faithful in this area!

But, there’s always a downside to relationships like these. Growing in community also requires emotional vulnerability and deep investment, which can be draining at times. This should in no way ever be a deterrent, but emotional exhaustion can come to be a result of these types of relationships.

Last week was one of the first times in my life where I really felt the repercussions of not taking care of myself physically or emotionally. I woke up Saturday morning completely and utterly exhausted. I thought it was odd because I slept 9 hours that night. As the day continued, it became more clear that my physical exhaustion was stemming from my emotional incabability to function. I didn’t want to be with anyone at all, which is real rarity in my life. I thought to myself that I didn’t want to talk to anyone for approximately 5 days AT LEAST.

I thought I was experiencing an existential crisis. LOL. 

When I sat down to spend time with God, He told me to stop running. I was confused to hear that at first, because I had been abiding in Him daily and seeking to honor Him. I didn’t feel like I was running from Him. He thankfully clarified that I needed to just stop doing everything and trying to be everything for everyone. I needed rest. I needed to stop and just embrace being His daughter.

It felt like 2 tons of bricks were lifted off my shoulders in that moment.

I felt free. 

So, the rest of that day, I took care of myself. I deep cleaned my entire room. I spent 10 minutes shaving my legs which I probably haven’t done in months. I got Chipotle. And it was lovely.

(I totally get it if y’all think those things are a weird way to take care of myself. I fully realize I’m kinda crazy and find emotional calm through deep cleaning…hahaha)

I’ve always understood that we need to be filled in order to pour out to others, but never really experienced a serious emotional exhaustion and lack like I did that day.

Of course it happened now for a reason. My life has been so different this year and I’ve grown in possibly every aspect of it. It makes sense that I’m also learning this too.

So, self love isn’t selfish. Taking care of yourself is completely necessary if you are going to be God’s vessel and mouthpiece. God does not expect us to run ourselves ragged. He wants us to rest in HIM. So sometimes, that means allowing Him to restore and rejuvinate you through spending time doing something you love. He wants us to be healthy and fulfilled in Him. So, as human beings, that requires us taking time for ourselves, before we are even capable of pouring out for others.

Jesus is more than sufficient in caring for us and meeting us where we are. I pray that each of you take time to rest & be filled again.

treasures in jars of clay.

I’m going to just be outright and say that I am overwhelmed.

The uncertainty that lies ahead, the plans not made. My agenda with plenty of boxes left to check. The to-do list running a continuous loop in my head. All the people in my life to keep up with. The people to pour into, and the people to pour into me as well. It’s a lot.

Today, everything came down all at once. So here I am, writing this.

I am writing to tell you to not lose heart.

When all of the pressure, anxiety, and fear simultaneously pulled me to the ground today, I immediately reverted into the thinking of this world. I felt like all of the pressure and uncertainty in my life right now is unfair. That God should reveal even one question I have about this coming year to me. I deserve that at the very least, right?! I wished life could be a little easier right now. I craved to take matters into my own hands again.

After my little “woe is me” session came to its end, I obviously knew that I needed a come to Jesus talk. If we’re being real here, these happen a little too frequently than I’d like to admit.

I then prayed that God would encourage me to persevere. Just as my God does, He quickly and faithfully spoke, placing the saying “do not lose heart” into my thoughts.

“Do not lose heart” lead me to 2nd Corinthians 4:7-16.

(10/10 would recommend reading that passage right now, whether you’re struggling or not)

The idea of treasures in jars of clay refers to our souls dwelling in our sinful bodies, in this ever-fading world. These jars of ours are functional, to a point. But only temporary holding places for our souls that know who Jesus is and have been transformed by what He’s done.

Just as the jar of clay is not a perfect holding place, affliction, temptation, fear, persecution, and despair will, understandably so, affect us while we live our life on earth.

But, you can have hope.

You will be afflicted, but not destroyed.

The stress of life right now may seem unbearable, but you will make it to the other side.

The heartbreak you may be experiencing right now probably feels like it will never get better, but Jesus is orchestrating the restoration at this very moment.

It may feel like the amount of uncertainty ahead lies in wait to attack you in your lack of preparation, but God is equipping you through teaching you how much you need Him, which will subsequently prepare you more than anything you could arrange for yourself.

Do not lose heart, for “this light and momentary affliction is preparing us for the eternal weight of glory beyond comparison” (vs. 17). I pray you cling to Jesus with everything you have to find this hope today.


I’m just going to start this off by saying that I’m completely wrecked. Sort of at a loss for words (which I hope I can get figured out enough to write what God wants me to say). Scared out of my mind. Already feeling major attacks from the enemy.

But, at the same time, I’m so full of joy. Awe. Astonishment. Reverence. Freedom. More than I’ve ever been in my life.

About a year and a half ago I received this book as my graduation gift titled, “Anything: The Prayer That Unlocked My God and My Soul” by Jennie Allen from a woman I greatly respect and look up to. I read a few chapters, but soon got intimidated and sort of angry. So, I put it away on my bookshelf.

When I got home from college this summer, so on fire about who God is and how He had been pursuing me, I decided I needed some soul food. I wanted to glean some wisdom from these books I’ve collected but never put in the time to read. So, as I ran my eyes across the stacks of books, God placed my eyes on “Anything” and said, “Finish it.”

So I did.

In summary, I think I underlined 90% of the words and cried about every 3 pages. In a good way. I’m also super emotional most of the time so that doesn’t surprise me very much.

After some pretty world-rocking events took place the beginning of this year, I was wrecked, and NOT in a good way. But God met me in that low valley, and carried me up the heights of the mountain. He gave me eyes to see my life, situations, and relationships in it that were toxic and keeping me from surrender. I couldn’t even begin to give myself any credit for my growth the past 6 months, even if I wanted to.

God’s provision and re-molding of my heart has been the hardest, yet most beautiful seasons of my life.

In the past couple months; I realized that I had been holding on to control of things in my life that I had no jurisdiction over. That I was choking out with my grasp.

 It was time to let go, FOR REAL this time.

I started praying every day that God would use me to do big things for His Kingdom. I had huge ideas and so much passion. So much excitement to get this show on the road. But, as a common theme of my life has shown, life doesn’t really go as I’d plan it to very often. Instead, God has been using this time as a waiting period. I know it’s for His glory and my good, but it’s a hard pill to swallow for me.

Although there has been so much growth and goodness in this waiting season with God, a lot of sin in my heart has been revealed to me. ESPECIALLY through “Anything”. Here’s some bullet points.

  • I have a sickeningly prideful heart.

I want to do big things for God… why? I’d like to say that 100% of the time it is to glorify God and serve to help restore His Kingdom, but after some serious soul searching, I can say with confidence that that percentage isn’t even close to accurate. Instead of glorifying God through Him using me, I want to glorify myself. I want people to notice me. Praise me. Shower me with compliments.

Unfortunately, this fact about me isn’t super surprising. I’ve always loved the center of attention. Most people that know me tell me REGULARLY that I’m the most dramatic human being that they’ve ever known. In some ways, being dramatic is totally a part of who I am and I love how it brings laughter and fun. But on the flip side, it is tremendously dangerous.

  • I’m still scared of what people think of me.

Even though I’ve spent years and months rooting my identity in Jesus and how He loves me, daily I find myself enraptured and entrapped in the sin of comparison and worry about how another person sees me as. It takes up much more of a space in my heart than I’ve been able to see before.

  • I am a perfectionist. To an absolute fault.

I know, as you read this you’re probably like “whatever” and rolling your eyes, but I’m dead serious. Because I am such a perfectionist, I am not good at forgiving myself. I hardly do at all for that matter. I have such lofty expectations about where my relationship with God should be, how well I should know and memorize Scripture, and how much I should be doing to serve the Kingdom, that it actually prevents me from truly embracing my sweet Jesus and His work to save me. It defeats the whole purpose of the Gospel I say I stand by. It discourages me beyond belief.

Thank God that He is faithful to reveal our innermost qualities that express themselves as soul sucking sin issues. There is freedom in knowing that.

Thankfully, God is doing much more than only revealing my sin to me.

  • He is teaching me the astounding joy of true surrender with every passing day.
  • He is affirming me that I am His beloved daughter who has a PURPOSE.
  • He is reminding me that there is so much more to life than having a safe routine. Job success. A successful marriage. Obedient children. Nice friends. A supportive friend circle. A comfortable, non-challenging, easy, beautiful life.

We were given life in order that we may glorify God. THAT is our purpose. Our call. Our mission. God didn’t give any of us life in order for it to be wasted or easily floated through. He has called us to give it all to Him.

As Jennie Allen put it: “The very thought of doing anything demands EVERYTHING.”

It demands our plans. Our comforts. Our safety. Our reputations. Our ideal daily lives. But oh, it is worth it. It is more than worth the risk.

“All my life I thought I had God’s stamp of approval because my life wasn’t going badly. Now I was faced with the fear that it might actually be the opposite. What if my lie was going so beautifully because I wasn’t chasing after God?”

The call we have as believers is no joke. Like, take up our cross and follow Him? Uh, how? Most people never experience this type of intimacy with God that they find joy and freedom in taking up their cross and following God. Praying prayers like “anything”. It burdens me to the core & breaks my heart.

This is not a drill. Seriously. This is not a joke to get Christians riled up. It is clearly spelled out in Scripture. It’s time to wake up!!!!!!

Once we surrender our plans and our lives to the one who created us, He WILL unleash His wild plan. He WILL use us. He WILL uphold us with His steady hand. He WILL challenge us, but at the same time give us the most purpose-filled freedom that we could ever receive.

“For believers in our eternal God, it shouldn’t be unusual to risk our entire lives for Him. It should be the norm for everyone who claims Christ.”

We are given such a gift, if we choose to receive it. Everything is on the line here. Our fulfillment in this life, our place in eternity. Are you risking it all? Praying prayers that ask God to use you to do anything & everything that He desires for you?

This question has brought me to my knees in conviction. I pray it does for you too.

I have given God my “yes”. I am now daily surrendering to Him, in an even deeper sense. I am willing to risk it all. I am eager to embrace suffering if it means that God is receiving His utmost glory through it.

I’m awake. I am ready for anything.


*Any words in italics are direct quotes of Jennie Allen.

Kingdom Pursuit.

A few weeks ago, I was given an opportunity to co-lead and watch over 5 girls at Elevate Summer Camp through The Summit Church. It was life changing. Here’s why.

Of course I could go into how the week was challenging and physically exhausting, but that isn’t the point I want to stress here. The reason why camp was so life changing for me was that it reinstated my purpose, my call in life.

And that call is to pursue the Kingdom of God with all that I am.

More than any previous year of my life, 2017 stands out as the year where my God has pursued me and transformed me by the Gospel. Even though I accepted Jesus and begun a relationship with him in 2012, I have never experienced the radical faithfulness of God in my life as much as I have the past 7 months.

Going into camp, I knew that God was going to convict and call His children to Himself. I had been praying for months and months faithfully that God would show up BIG TIME and radically change hearts. Which He did. Obviously.

But, one thing I didn’t think about as much going into camp was how God was going to further affirm my identity in Christ and convict my heart to pursue His Kingdom as my number one priority in my life.

While pursuing the Kingdom of God changes the trajectory of your life plans and goals, it also radically alters your day-to-day actions, responses, and mindset.

[Specifically, it changes the way you see your identity, how you worship, how you commune with God daily, and the way you prioritize evangelism and Gospel intentionality]


In a culture where we typically find our identity in pursuing praise, worldly pleasures, or success, pursuing the Kingdom of God grants us a new identity… that is worth surpassingly more. Since fully embracing Christ’s identity for me, I have experienced the sweetest freedom in surrender. He sees me as His beloved daughter, and that changes every thought I think about myself and my own worth.


“Worship is our intentional response to who God is, and what He has done.”

I learned this definition of worship at camp, and it has come to shape my view of worship, my mindset as I approach God in worship, and how I structure my actions and words throughout the day as instruments by which I can worship God. In deciding to pursue the Kingdom, worship is more than just a time I sing songs to God on Sunday morning, or in my car on the way to the gym during the week. A quote I have come back to (on multiple occasions the past few weeks) regarding worship was spoken by Graham Kendrick:

“Worship has been misunderstood as something that arises from a feeling which ‘comes upon you’, but it is vital that we understand that it is rooted in a conscious act of the will, to serve and obey the Lord Jesus Christ.”


We were born into sinful humanity, separated from God and the ability to commune with Him. When Jesus died in our place, He bridged the gap between man and God and made a way for us to know God personally, through taking our sin as His own on the cross. This is the good news!

Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t understand or accept the magnitude of this act and have not been transformed by what Christ has done and promised for them. That, or they don’t choose to dwell on this good gift, and allow Satan to blind their eyes to the Gospel and distract them by the desires of the flesh. People CHOOSE to be separated from God still, when the free gift is right in front of their face.

Jesus has captured my heart and mind in a way that I would have never been able to do on my own. I would have never chosen Him and His goodness freely, unless He gave me the ability and desire to choose Him. This is the greatest gift I have ever been given. Because of this, my greatest desire is to be with Him every day.

If we proclaim with our lips that Jesus Christ is Lord, He calls us to a greater purpose and way of life… living daily in relationship with Him– through prayer and reading His word.

Delving into scripture may be a daunting task, but God has given us the Bible to teach us about His own nature and character that completely shapes our view of God and the way we go about our lives. It’s a gift!

God has chosen for us to pursue His Kingdom and righteousness this way… through convening DAILY with Jesus. He is the ONLY way, truth, and the life. Relationship with Him allows us to run after His Kingdom and towards righteousness.

Intentional Evangelism.

This is the part where I (and other Christians alike) tend to get a little uncomfortable. If you have grown up in church, I am sure you heard that Jesus calls and commands us to GO and MAKE DISCIPLES of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Spirit. This is an especially hot topic at The Summit Church at least.

I was totally brought to my knees in repentance and conviction when my pastor posed this question on the last night of camp: “Do your actions match up with what you say you believe about the Gospel?”

I scrambled to write the phrase down as he spoke it, and then it hit me. If my life doesn’t act as a testimony to what I believe, and if I am not daily convicted of sin and the necessity to let others know what is true, is my relationship with Jesus authentic? Am I too going to stand before the throne on judgement day and God is going to send me away, saying He never knew me?

This isn’t the first time I’ve been convicted of the necessity to share the Gospel with others. But this time, it was different. The past couple months, I have been radically praying for God to use me for His good purposes, whatever they may be. I have had big ideas. But, how much have I been praying for God to transform my life in the mundane, that my life will be a testimony to who God is? How often have I prayed for God to use me in the margin, in the small moments, not just in huge, spotlight moments?

Oh how my prayers have been directed towards my own praise without even knowing or being able to repent of it.

This is just my own personal experience and thoughts regarding evangelism though. There is much more to it than that.

We are told in Ephesians to live a life worthy of the manner by which we have been called. Meaning, our daily lives and attitudes, AS WELL AS our grand feats and desires, should be soaked in Gospel intentionality.

Yet, because of God’s grace and provision for us, this call doesn’t have to be scary. The Holy Spirit empowers and speaks through us, and convicts us in times when we need to look like Jesus. We will not suddenly gain bravery to share the Gospel alone, but through the power of the Spirit and boldness of prayer.

Evangelism is hard. But we are called. And we must go. Wherever and whenever, to whomever He calls. 

These are just a few ways in which we pursue the Kingdom of God with our whole lives. I’m sure I have missed stuff, but for me, it’s a start. We will never achieve perfect pursuit of God until the new heavens and earth are created and we get to live with Him for eternity.

[[If I was reminded of nothing else at camp, it was how worthy God and His Kingdom are worth pursuing. And, as a part of this, I am called to boldly declare the Gospel and God’s unmatchable goodness. I am so encouraged by this gift I have and cannot wait to pursue God’s Kingdom as long as I live, and into eternity.]]

I want to close with a question directed at you, who’s reading this. Okay… maybe a few questions. If you haven’t figured it out by now this far down into my post, I have a lot to say. Always.

Have you ever accepted Jesus’ free gift of grace? If you have, are you actively pursuing His Kingdom each day? Are you delving into intimate relationship with Him? Is the Kingdom of God and the spread of Jesus’ name your purpose?

Jesus is my Savior, Lord, and King. I will never stop proclaiming His name or pursuing the call He has on my life: to be in relationship with Him, and to tell people who He is and what He’s done.

I pray eagerly that you will, too.


i’m thankful for my tight leash.

I like to put my God in a box.

It’s comforting. A safe bet. Instinctive, even.

But… that eventually catches up to me. It brings disappointment and unmet expectations. Frustration. Entitlement. Discontentment. Honestly, my most difficult struggles in my walk with Jesus have resulted from expecting Him to do something according to my timetable, or allowing myself to be frustrated at God when His idea for my life didn’t quite align with my own.

Because, you know, the world revolves around me. God is my magical genie. Why do I feel like God isn’t even listening?

I have executed the pinnacle of entitlement and ignorance, folks. On many occasions.

Thank goodness that my God consistently breaks the walls down that I attempt to suppress Him in. He recognizes that I’m totally out-to-lunch half the time. So, he is faithful to not leave me hanging with stones made to ashes at my feet and flames abounding.

And He reminds me of what is true.

Sometimes, God uses people and situations to echo His character. For example… my mentor (who’s basically Wonder Woman) said something super intriguing to me today.

She told me that I should thank God that He has me on a tight leash.

At first, I almost laughed. What in the world is that supposed to mean?

As I prodded for a better explanation, she reminded me that because I have experienced intimacy with God and walk with Him daily, I would never be able to find the same fulfillment anywhere else. Even if I tried to run, the weight of sin and discontentment would quickly grip me the moment I strayed too far. What an amazing act of love and protection!

I know the leash analogy may seem a little controlling or ridiculous, but try to go with me on this.

God loves and pursues me so faithfully to the point where I would never want to run. I would never even attempt to seek everlasting joy in anything else. He has drawn me close to Himself so relentlessly that I could never turn away at this point. His grace is MORE than sufficient for me and His power has been perfected through my weaknesses. The more I learn to keep my hands open, the more his strength is multiplied within me and the clearer my ears and heart become to hear his voice.

To me, that’s one of the most profound aspects of God’s perfect character.

You see, the closer I draw near to my Lord Jesus, the more and more He displays who He really is.

I believe that because of our fallen nature and futile minds that we will never be able to fully grasp the glory of God in our lives, but He is faithful to reveal layers to us the closer we cling to Him.

That’s the thing about trying to put God in a box. He will cut down every expectation you try to place on Him and show you how His plans and character are so much deeper, greater, and more fulfilling than you could ever dream of.

Right now, I am learning that the more I cling to what is true about God, the more He is breaking down the walls I have tried to box Him into.

He daily draws me into His presence to reveal another aspect of his infinite love and faithfulness.

He continues the practice of unclenching my hands and allowing me to find the freedom in total surrender.

He steadfastly reveals my sins to me in such a way to further my dependence on Him and my reverence towards Him.

His unstoppable love becomes more real. I will never thirst or need for anything, because He holds me gently in His arms. His love breaks all chains.

If you’re still with me at this point, I would encourage you to read Ephesians 3: 14-20.

The more God roots and grounds us in His love,  and(the more faithfully He tears down our boxes we put Him in as we draw near to Him), the greater we will get to know God and fall in love with Him.

We have the ability to love and be loved by God in an intimate relationship with Him. HE CHOOSES US. It all comes down to us accepting His free gift of grace.

Now that is love.

no season is ever wasted.

I feel like I’m wasting time.

As a Type A, highly motivated & efficient person, wasting time is one of my biggest pet peeves.

I mean, don’t even get me started about slow drivers and long lines. The tolerance level is very, very LOW.

Of course, those are but temporary situations where my impatience displays itself. It’s a whole other story when it comes to my spiritual life.

In the past couple months, I’ve completely surrendered my life and future plans to God like never before. And, as result, I’ve found the sweetest sense of freedom & reliance on my Lord and Savior.

But, the past couple weeks have shown to be a pretty quiet season. And the silence is deafening.

God has stirred in me an immense desire to be used by Him and to be instrumental in bringing people to know Jesus. And Praise God for that! I am a sinner & completely unworthy, but He still chooses me to know Him and do His work.

God has instilled dreams & hopes in me of how He will allow me to serve Him, but has then dropped (seemingly) silent.

I think that’s the hardest part. I KNOW that God plans to use me to do great things, but I don’t know WHEN.

So instead of basking in the waiting season & focusing on equipping myself in knowing Scripture and finding my identity in Christ, I have found myself impatient, unhappy, and frustrated.

I want to be used NOW. The amount of times I’ve approached God with an entitled and questioning demeanor the past couple weeks is more than I’d want to admit. But who am I, a beggar, unworthy to sit at Jesus’ feet, to be entitled in His presence?

Unfortunately, I’ve noticed that the waiting season is where Satan has been planting seeds of envy, doubt, and entitlement in my heart. He is trying to convince me that I am being unfairly treated, and that I DESERVE better.

As if I deserve ANYTHING from a perfect God.

But, my ever faithful God is gracious enough to remind me of what is true when the seeds of lies start to take root in my heart. He is worthy of all honor and praise.

Last night, in another time of frustration and impatience, I was talking to God & wrote these sentences in my journal:

“I have absolutely no clue what you’re doing in this season of my life. Why are you making me wait? All I want to do is serve You and do big things for Your Kingdom, but You aren’t showing up. You aren’t telling me where to go. Lord Jesus, please show me what you’re doing.”

And silence. I was pretty fed up at this point & went to check my instagram. Constructive right?

But as stupid as this sounds, God reminded me of what is true there. The first post I saw was a beautiful calligraphy drawing of the phrase:

No season is ever  wasted.

An interesting way for God to speak, right? I actually laughed out loud when I saw it. You got me God. He definitely has a sense of humor.

 Despite the frustration and impatience and waiting to be used by God, He is faithful to keep me right where I need to be. He is faithful to equip me. and He is faithful to use every season to its fullness.

So, I wait. But I do not wait in vain.

 I am not wasting time. He holds me in the palm of His hand & must strengthen me in my relationship with Him and identity before I can move on to the next season of my life. 

And that is enough right now.

Where am I?

Sometimes I have no idea where I am.

And no, I’m not talking directionally speaking, (though those who know me well know that this is quite often a position I find myself in), but in where God has me right now.

As a girl who thinks and thinks and thinks until her brain explodes, I ponder, worry, doubt, and dream all day long.

Dreaming about my future family, the kids I will get to love on being a teacher one day, where I will live and what I will do for the Kingdom during the time God gives me on this earth, seeing people come to know Jesus, living a fulfilled life, the one I love. Or once loved.

But, I don’t want to paint such a pleasant picture. Having a mind like mine will hurt you. It will leave you in despair over wrecked dreams and crushed future plans you once created. Plans and dreams someone made with you, or ones you fabricated in your most introspective moments.

Life can really knock the wind out of you sometimes. If you’re anything like me in the season of life I’m currently in, you’re laying face first on the ground wondering… where in the world am I? It seems like just a minute ago I was confidently walking on my two feet, seemingly happy, whole. But now I ache with pain from the blow I took, down for the count. I ask why.

You know the rest. Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? How come I wasn’t enough? Why does this pain cut me to the core of my being?

As the pain continues to rip my heart in two, I sit myself up. I clear the hair out of my face and tears from my eyes, bandage the cuts and gashes the pavement left me with. And I take a deep breath.

And that is where God reveals Himself to me in the most profound way. As I sit in my lowest point, He whispers,

“I love you”.

Three short words that carry the world within them. Three words that people toss around like a Frisbee on a summer night, without the blink of an eye. Three words that hold adoration, provision, sacrifice, and promise.

Three words that can break your heart when stripped away from you.

But my Lord and Savior meant exactly what He said. No contrary actions, no take-backs, no empty words.

Because… WORDS MATTER. At least, God’s words matter.

They are an ultimate source of truth, goodness, and mercy. They will never be taken from us. They allow us to know and abide deeply in a God who perfectly loves, pursues, and heals.

Words mean EVERYTHING. They should hold our most truthful thoughts and heartfelt love. But because we live in a fallen world, we let empty words, lies, self serving comments, and selfish statements pass through our lips much too often.

That is why, if nothing else in the midst of pain, I finally learned whose words hold the most meaning… my Heavenly Father’s. My God who speaks ultimate truth over our lives and delights in pursuing us, no matter how many times we turn away. My God who gave His Spirit to dwell inside me. My God who sent His perfect son Jesus to pay the penalty of His life for my every sin.

My God who is perfect love.

By His promises alone am I able to stand on my two feet again and run towards Him with reckless abandon. Only through His tender love and mercy that He wraps me in daily can I live and love passionately. In Christ alone my hope is found– He is my light, my strength, my song.

A few months ago, a friend introduced me to a song called “Build my Life” by the Housefires. When I first heard it, I listened to it approximately 137 times that night and had the words memorized right away because I loved it so much. OCD much?

But, the lyrics didn’t really soak in right away. Thankfully, their meaning took root in my heart and shook me to the core… eventually. It was a pretty delayed reaction if you ask me.

These words have transformed my view of my walk with God:

“I will build my life upon your love, it is a FIRM foundation; I will put my trust in You alone, and I will NOT BE SHAKEN.”

Wow. I hope I’m not the only one brought to my knees in humility on this one.

Learning to build my entire life, future plans, and self upon God’s promises has been the hugest turning point in my short, 18 years of life. God, in His everlasting love, has graciously guided me the past couple months by teaching me what it really looks like to build my life upon the love He has for me.

He is all I have, and all I need.

I’ll close with this.

“He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.” Psalm 40:2-3 (ESV)

In the midst of deep heartbreak and pain, the Lord gently set me back on my two feet and has been graciously teaching me how to live and find my worth in His promises in a new, profound way. It took God picking me up and whispering, “I love you” for me to realize that I know where I am.

I am EXACTLY where He wants me.